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was going through my old mails...the days when forwards flooded my inbox.... saw something random there which suddenly made a lot of sense. 'its the friends you can call at 4AM who matter.' the 24x7 lives we lead now has made that statement slightly redundant nowadays, but it still strikes a chord. so.

i keep getting a feeling that somewhere, somehow, time is running out...and there's always so much left unsaid. so many moments, so many shared memories. photo freeze moments, and some tear jerkers too. moments lost in the untidy cupboards of our minds...in some drawer we rarely open. so.

like the time a friend blasted me for not being able to get over a girl. and the time we played on opposite teams, baying for blood, but were best mates the moment the final whistle rung. like the time i would call them up for no reason in particular during exams. the official reason would be doubt clearing, but actually, all i needed was the reassurance that i fight not alone. like walking back in the rain. like filling up slambooks and signing t-shirts. like the flush of joy to see a long lost friend suddenly on facebook. like all those times we posed for the same cameras. like all the times we bitched and cribbed and yet enjoyed every moment of it. like bunked tuitions. and roaming around park street.likes cassettes lent out and borrowed. like the most pointless of conversations. like the centershocks we tried our best to make our teachers take. like our favourite classes. and our least favourite ones. like so many other bits which you can see best at the corner of your eyes. so.

flux is the only constant we have left. people change. circumstances change. and the world around us changes too. but those promises, those words, those smiles and hugs and shared memories...they can never change. such is the beauty of life. so.

these lines hold nothing i've not said before. just that so many things have been playing in my head recently. the city i love so much has suddenly become four empty walls, the colour my friends gave it with their presence gone without them. there's an awful lot of space, but i can hardly breathe.things not making much sense all of a sudden. maybe writing this will make winter fade away slowly and not take me along. so.

will spring ever come, i wonder....

coda (?)

i'l always be a question looking for an answer...actually its the other way round. i'm more of answers, looking for the right questions to define me. i'm a mix of emotions most of the time, a medley of resonating notes at the best of times and a mess at the worst. more often than not, this particular symphony has too many wrong notes. ones which shouldn't be there...but i do believe that without those wrong notes, it would probably lose a large bit of its individuality. but even with all the dissonant bits of my life, there are refrains and reprises and interludes which come by when i'm least expecting them to, and make sense in some strange and inexplicable way and leave me with wafts of a spring breeze and those floaty things you see in front of your eyes when you look towards the sun and shut your eyes really tight but which disappear right away if you look AT them; you have to look away for them to reappear. it makes me really nostalgic at times, though i can't figure out the source of this nostalgia. strange.

life is a joke. always. sometimes we get to laugh along, sometimes the joke's on us and it isn't all that funny. i am the sort of fool who laughs along even when the joke's on me, and it has been that way for a very long time. because when everything around us goes topsy-turvy, laughing is one of the few things that still make sense. so.

its suddenly really dark, and the soft breeze which touches me from time to time is probably just a figment of my imagination. every single day it gets a bit harder to see through this all permeating mist around me.

might be taking a break from life as i've known it, as i've made it out to be for me for a while. a hiatus has been on the cards for quite sometime now, and all i need to figure out during the course of the coming week is the magnitude and the duration of it, the terms and conditions and the small print. i seemed to have hit another roadblock, and till i can get past/over/through it, i think its better to slow down and untie these knots one by one instead of wildly flailing my arms and ending up in a more twisted situation than i am right now. and i, of course, also need to decide on a P.O.A should this roadblock become impassable. its gonna be oh-so-complicated from here onwards.

i can barely see beyond tonight. and definitely can't see beyond this week. i do know something for certain, though. by the time the week is by, i would know whether i've been unknowingly writing on the last page of this diary, or whether there are more blank pages after this. its unwelcome information either way, but is necessary, nevertheless.

waiting with bated breath and an unhealthy cocktail of fatalism/resignation to see how this plays out...

Lost, found and still looking for part II

as i was saying, in no particular order of preference, i want -
~ a dog
~ a fender squier
~ a dell studio
~ to never have to window shop for books.
~ be a chocolate magnate.
~ a mont-blanc ink pen.
~ to not flunk my exams or get a KT (that should actually have been at the top).
~ chocolates.
~ to be able to sleep late into mornings.
~ to be better at cricket.
~ to be a kid and have tetuler achaar while walking home from school.
~ the complete works of J.R.R Tolkien.
~ to have enough cash to be able to buy F1 (no, i'm NOT talking about racing. those who are supposed to know what i'm alluding to, will know right away).
~ clothes to dry sooner during monsoons.
~ to find time to go swimming on summer mornings.
~ more chocolates.
~ to chat up some random pretty girl, just for the heck of it.
~ to walk along the beach at Pondy and feel the spray against my face.

this list is a bit more...mainstream, shall we say? heh.

lost, found and still looking for...

most people have a list of what they want from life. some are conscious of the fact, some are not. when i tried to come up with mine, it turned out kind of funny...heh heh heh...judge for yourselves.

i want(in no specific order)-
1. manageable hair.
2. to not ruin my ears irrespective of how much music i listen to.
3. more good books at the library.
4. a tattoo.
5. an irish accent.
6. to be able to rhyme sentences with less difficulty.
7. to keep my weight below 70kg.
8. to grow slightly taller (an inch or so should do).
9. to be able to attempt a question paper...all of it.
10.to not make too many grammatical mistakes.
11.to ride inside Bumblebee.
12.to believe in something that cannot be explained.
13.to sing better.
14.a job.
15.a swanky sports car, preferably a porsche 911 turbo.
16.to be able to play the violin.
17.to attend my favourite bands' gigs.
18.more kurtas.
19.a pair of blackberry trousers.
20.to hold hands with my imaginary friend.
21.to be a kid in school once more.
22.to take long walks in the rain without catching a cold.
23.fewer wars. (please?)
24.to spend more time with the people who mean the most to me.
25.to get locked up inside BCL one night.
26.to visit ireland, japan and germany (in that order of preference).
27.to not go bald later in life, preferably.
28.to be able to say meaningful things without sounding cliched.
29.to be in a kickass band, someday.
30.to sleep.

more would be coming as i think up of them...