Sunday, February 14, 2010

coda (?)

i'l always be a question looking for an answer...actually its the other way round. i'm more of answers, looking for the right questions to define me. i'm a mix of emotions most of the time, a medley of resonating notes at the best of times and a mess at the worst. more often than not, this particular symphony has too many wrong notes. ones which shouldn't be there...but i do believe that without those wrong notes, it would probably lose a large bit of its individuality. but even with all the dissonant bits of my life, there are refrains and reprises and interludes which come by when i'm least expecting them to, and make sense in some strange and inexplicable way and leave me with wafts of a spring breeze and those floaty things you see in front of your eyes when you look towards the sun and shut your eyes really tight but which disappear right away if you look AT them; you have to look away for them to reappear. it makes me really nostalgic at times, though i can't figure out the source of this nostalgia. strange.

life is a joke. always. sometimes we get to laugh along, sometimes the joke's on us and it isn't all that funny. i am the sort of fool who laughs along even when the joke's on me, and it has been that way for a very long time. because when everything around us goes topsy-turvy, laughing is one of the few things that still make sense. so.

its suddenly really dark, and the soft breeze which touches me from time to time is probably just a figment of my imagination. every single day it gets a bit harder to see through this all permeating mist around me.

might be taking a break from life as i've known it, as i've made it out to be for me for a while. a hiatus has been on the cards for quite sometime now, and all i need to figure out during the course of the coming week is the magnitude and the duration of it, the terms and conditions and the small print. i seemed to have hit another roadblock, and till i can get past/over/through it, i think its better to slow down and untie these knots one by one instead of wildly flailing my arms and ending up in a more twisted situation than i am right now. and i, of course, also need to decide on a P.O.A should this roadblock become impassable. its gonna be oh-so-complicated from here onwards.

i can barely see beyond tonight. and definitely can't see beyond this week. i do know something for certain, though. by the time the week is by, i would know whether i've been unknowingly writing on the last page of this diary, or whether there are more blank pages after this. its unwelcome information either way, but is necessary, nevertheless.

waiting with bated breath and an unhealthy cocktail of fatalism/resignation to see how this plays out...

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